Chaordic Mind

A friend recently reminded me of something so important to every day life.  He relayed to me the harshness of his life growing up, professionally, and physically.  Putting some of his experience in perspective reminds me that we shouldn’t sweat the small stuff and that (most) everything is the small stuff!  So let’s explore some of the reasons we make decisions and how not sweating the small stuff can help.

Why Do We Act The Way We Do?

One of my favorite written pieces ever is Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata.  I especially like the following note:

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

In life we end up comparing ourselves to others around us, either our friends, peers, or those in the media.  We take on ideas of what life “should be like” and try to “keep up with the Joneses”.  This is both a futile and destructive pursuit and not one that will bring happiness.

To state the corollary of the Desiderata we have a quote from Elbert Hubbard.

“If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate.”

We are all human.  We experience the range of emotions from love and hate to fear and confidence.  So why is it that we idolize and hate?  I’m sorry, but it’s all just a misunderstanding.

A misunderstanding of what we want, believe, feel is right, or how we believe life should or will eventually end.  To live this way falls to the fallacy of how something “should be”.  So many misunderstandings have been escalated to the point of no return because people project on themselves or others their own ideology with the assumption that others must subscribe to the same.  This is part of what makes us think that we are “right” in situations when there is really just a different of opinion based on different premises.  Why is it that we make life decisions based on emotion?

Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff

In your day to day life you may consider what’s a Big issue.  Take for example one day.  Make a list of all the Big issues that day.  Then make a list of all the Big issues happening in one week.  Then do it for a month.  Then a year.  One thing you may notice is that as the period of time increases the number of things you consider Big stays the same.  So why are the the same number of Big issues in one month as there are in 12?

The reason for this is that we imagine the intensity of an issue in proportion to the surrounding events.  Given a long enough time spectrum perhaps there are only an small handful of Big issues and the rest is simply small stuff.  This is what my friend taught me.

He taught me that all my current woes are nothing really to worry about.  In the immortal words, “This too shall pass.”  And a great calm came over me.  The moment that occurred I was able to make a more rationale decision based on facts and not emotions.  No longer was there angst or turmoil in my life.   He gave me perspective into what might be a Big issue and my current problems were not that.

So What?

I don’t mean to diminish massive events in peoples life, and certainly they can hit you with full force, but remember that those experiences have now taught you how bad things can get.  Perhaps one day in the future, another event will teach you how minor your current experiences are in comparison.  Life is about a series of ups and downs.  Instead of feeling down, remember that over time these events will pass and be but a faint memory or comical story.

Focus inward, not outward, and you will find true direction, meaning, and fulfillment.

“We can only lose what we cling to!”
– Buddha

Many of us live by a set of beliefs accumulated over the course of our lifetime.  We use these rules to navigate the possibilities of life.  Some of them are positive rules that save us (e.g. “Don’t touch a hot stove”) but some of them are limiting (e.g. “I can’t do it.  It’s too hard”).  Sometimes we have to stop and ask ourselves if the limitations in our life are self-imposed or actual.  I believe that many times the rules by which we find ourselves constrained are self-imposed.

When life appears to be unfair, when bad things happen to good people, this is when you have the opportunity to give up or to change the rules of the game.  It’s these game changing moves that enable you to conquer your fears in new and creative ways.  You can change the rules of the game in several ways, here are but a few:

1. Change your beliefs: I live by the mantra that “nothing is impossible, the impossible just takes longer.”  Why is it that we limit ourselves by what we think is impossible?  Why do we obey the rules of our belief when our opponent does not?  Why is it that we enable others to walk over us?  Only by changing your belief can you break down the barriers that you have constructed and consider the possibility of out-of-the-box innovation.
2. Change the rules: In life many of us abide by a path that we feel has been laid our for us or is predestined to occur.  We get frustrated when we feel deviations from that path in the same way we feel the rumble strip on the edge of the road.  These path barriers move us in a direction that we “feel” is the “right path.”  We cling to our path because it has been a part of us for so many years.  Only when you accept variance in your path are you free and open to new possibilities.  By accepting change and alternative outcomes we free ourselves to new futures and alternative happiness.

When we stop clinging to self-imposed beliefs and prescriptive paths we free within ourselves the possibility of the impossible.

Here are a few new rules that you may want to consider.

1. “Be the change you want to see in the world.” – Mahatma Gandhi
2. Do Something
3. “To thine own self be true.” – Shakespeare
4. Our lives are the stories we tell ourselves.
5. Don’t live by anyone else’s rules, go make your own.

“That which does not kill me makes me stronger” (or “Quod non me destruit, me nutrit” in Latin)
– Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols, 1888
German philosopher (1844 – 1900)

In becoming fearless, you must remember that setbacks are not bad, they only strengthen you.  These moments of fear, however real and physical, can be leveraged in the same way that martial artists leverage the weight of their opponent against them.  If you look at an event as a negative impact that cannot be overcome you have lost.  The moment you recognize the glass is still have full you have overcome that fear and are reborn as a soldier of positive thought.

Nietzsche was correct in that hard times make us stronger individuals that are better able to navigate the treacherous waters ahead.  No doubt there will be high and low points in your life, but what makes you who you are is how you react to these highs and lows in life.  Be humble during the high points and strong during the low points.

“We must travel in the direction of our fear.”
–John Berryman

If you only knew me 15 years ago.  In high school I took a required class called “speech.”  Each student needed to stand up and give a 1 minute talk, then 2 minutes, then 5, then 10, then a 30 minute talk over the course of the semester.  If you could not fill the time with words you simply had to stand there for your allotted time.

According to the Book of Lists the fear of public speaking ranks number one in the minds of the majority of people. Far above the fear of death and disease, comes the fear of standing in front of a crowd.  I remember standing in front of the class, mortified of public speaking, and having nothing to say to fill my time.

If you had told me then that my day job would involve presenting on stage for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, I would have said you’re insane.  I remember one day realizing that I needed to round out my skills by confronting those that I feared most (and did poorly).  I applied to as many conferences as I could and eventually some accepted me (call it the law of numbers).  The first few presentations were bad, but facing my fear helped me erode it.

A few years later, I was swapping entertainment and public speaking tips with friends and could not wait to get on stage again.  Today, you can put me in front of a crowd and I’ll talk continuously until you pull me off and send me home.  I’ll talk your ear off if you listen long enough.  I confronted my fear and turned it into a profession.

When you fear something, face it head on.  Do not give in.  Do not run from it.  Travel in the direction of it.

Fearless is an interesting word, for in fact, in being fearless you are not without fear, rather you are withstanding fear. You are moving forward in spite of it. Writing a very short story requires a degree of fearlessness, and I think reading one does also. I have deep respect for the very short story for many reasons, perhaps most profoundly for its fearlessness.
–Meredith Pignon

One of the things about becoming fearless is embracing your fears and adjusting to them.  If your fear is writing then you should do it more and more until you think of it as an extension of your being.  If your new fear is getting published you need to do it more and more (even if just on your blog) so you can get over the feeling of fear associated with doing something new.

Remember buying your first house?  Remember buying your second?  Wasn’t it so much easier after you had been through the unknown once?  Easier that you had mapped out and faced those fears head on.  When it is the unknown that drives your fear, the way to overcome it is to make the unknown known.