Chaordic Mind

“We can only lose what we cling to!”
– Buddha

Many of us live by a set of beliefs accumulated over the course of our lifetime.  We use these rules to navigate the possibilities of life.  Some of them are positive rules that save us (e.g. “Don’t touch a hot stove”) but some of them are limiting (e.g. “I can’t do it.  It’s too hard”).  Sometimes we have to stop and ask ourselves if the limitations in our life are self-imposed or actual.  I believe that many times the rules by which we find ourselves constrained are self-imposed.

When life appears to be unfair, when bad things happen to good people, this is when you have the opportunity to give up or to change the rules of the game.  It’s these game changing moves that enable you to conquer your fears in new and creative ways.  You can change the rules of the game in several ways, here are but a few:

1. Change your beliefs: I live by the mantra that “nothing is impossible, the impossible just takes longer.”  Why is it that we limit ourselves by what we think is impossible?  Why do we obey the rules of our belief when our opponent does not?  Why is it that we enable others to walk over us?  Only by changing your belief can you break down the barriers that you have constructed and consider the possibility of out-of-the-box innovation.
2. Change the rules: In life many of us abide by a path that we feel has been laid our for us or is predestined to occur.  We get frustrated when we feel deviations from that path in the same way we feel the rumble strip on the edge of the road.  These path barriers move us in a direction that we “feel” is the “right path.”  We cling to our path because it has been a part of us for so many years.  Only when you accept variance in your path are you free and open to new possibilities.  By accepting change and alternative outcomes we free ourselves to new futures and alternative happiness.

When we stop clinging to self-imposed beliefs and prescriptive paths we free within ourselves the possibility of the impossible.

Here are a few new rules that you may want to consider.

1. “Be the change you want to see in the world.” – Mahatma Gandhi
2. Do Something
3. “To thine own self be true.” – Shakespeare
4. Our lives are the stories we tell ourselves.
5. Don’t live by anyone else’s rules, go make your own.

“That which does not kill me makes me stronger” (or “Quod non me destruit, me nutrit” in Latin)
– Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols, 1888
German philosopher (1844 – 1900)

In becoming fearless, you must remember that setbacks are not bad, they only strengthen you.  These moments of fear, however real and physical, can be leveraged in the same way that martial artists leverage the weight of their opponent against them.  If you look at an event as a negative impact that cannot be overcome you have lost.  The moment you recognize the glass is still have full you have overcome that fear and are reborn as a soldier of positive thought.

Nietzsche was correct in that hard times make us stronger individuals that are better able to navigate the treacherous waters ahead.  No doubt there will be high and low points in your life, but what makes you who you are is how you react to these highs and lows in life.  Be humble during the high points and strong during the low points.

Anyone who is a long time frequent flier will remember the good flights and the bad.  The good ones were those business or first class international tickets and the bad ones were the four seater commuter planes.  Everyone has their own story to tell, but mine is about how the every day traveler can replicate the posh aura of First Class (or Upper Class as Virgin so lavishly calls it).  Many of these tips and tricks are unnecessary for those short one hour flights from SFO to LAX, but when you are on the long haul from SFO to LHR (London Heathrow) then you will certainly want to pack some supplies and get ready to be seated for the next 8+ hours.

A recent trip of mine went from SFO to LHR to JNB (Johannesburg, South Africa).  Yes, that’s a 10.5 hour flight, then a 7 hour layover, then an 11 hour flight.  For long hauls like this you want to make your Economy (or ‘cattle class’ as some call it) be as nice a flight as you can.  We cannot guarantee you can replicate every amenity of First Class, but we certainly push the envelope of trying.

(Add comments and I’ll be sure to update this post with your suggestions.)

Items to replicate:

Space/Room

The first thing you will notice about First Class is the vast amounts of not only leg room but also fully reclining seats.  I can’t promise sleeper beds, but you can check out SeatGuru.com to find the best seats on a plane with the most leg room.  Simply look up the airline and plane you are flying.  For example, if you are flying United Airlines and know your plan is a Boeing 777 (because it says so in the itinerary) you can check out the best configuration for you.  This website will remind you that seats with the most room are usually in the bulkhead of the plane or emergency exit rows.  Also remember that the seats directly in front of the exit row do not recline.

Power

No matter how we tried, and without running a power cord from the lavatory to your seat, there is no real way to get power to your sear.  On the plus side, most international flights have in flight entertainment systems.  If you want to watch your own movie then be sure to bring a portable DVD player or rent one.  New lines of netbook style laptops have given rise to longer batter life.  Combine that with a spare battery and you’re golden.

Food and Beverage

Most airlines provide free alcohol to the entire plane on international flights, and rightly so.  But what about all those other delicacies the passengers in First Class always get?  The dinners, cheeses, wine, desert!  I don’t guarantee sizzling salmon or a fine fillet, but let’s see what we can get.

• Apple Stritzer: You want to start out with an “apple spritzer“, which is standard along with juices offered in the pre-flight resting period.  You can easily make this by adding 7-up to apple juice.  Both of these are available to economy passengers, but difficult to come by in the pre-flight procedures.  I recommend you buy your juice in the airport and mix it the moment you take your seat.
• Fruit & Cheese Plate: You want to bring various cheeses and fruit for later in the flight.  Nothing like a “fruit & cheese plate” made with fancy cheeses you picked up at your local grocery/cheese store and sliced fruit from the same.
• Snacks: I’m sure you’ll want to snack at times other than the prescriptive mealzeit.  I recommend dried fruit (peaches, raisins, apples, pears) along with some sweets (chocolate, gummy bears).  The smaller more bite sized the better.  Feel free to stock up at Halloween for trips like this.

Amenities

One of the hardest things to come by while hurling through the air in a big metal cylinder are the most elegant of amenities.  Let’s see how many we can recreate.

• Warm face towel: Now anyone can bring a face towel onto the plane but few can get it piping hot steamy the way it feels best.  The flight crew probably won’t give you access to the microwave, so how do you heat up your spa mask?  Take the towel into the bathroom and run the hot water until it steams.  Run your towel under the steamy water and remove excess water.  Close your eyes and enjoy!
• Vanity Kit:  Nothing is more luxurious above 40,000 ft (12,000 m) than a change of clothes.  The standard vanity kit should include the following: spare socks, sleeping eye mask, tooth brush/paste, moisturizer, and lip balm.  International flights typically provide the standard toothbrush/paste and eye mask, but imagine having a comfortable change of clothes for sleeping or just a different set of socks to snuggle around in.  You can pack these yourself or buy high priced replicas at the Flight 001 store or online.  I personally recommend bringing your own because they will be more comfortable and personalized than anything you can buy or be gifted.
• Packaged wet towel: Sure you may be able to request one of these in-flight and the crew may give one to you but one never wants to leave sticky fingers to chance.  It is essential that you bring a few of these with you for cleaning your fingers after a nice cheese and fruit snack that you created yourself.
• Neck pillow: Ones ability to sleep on the long-haul flights is paramount to you enjoying the time you get on the ground.  One of my most valued in-flight possession that I bring with me even for short trips is the neck rest air pillow.  Many airports and travel stores will sell you the beaded ones but these take up space and do not collapse into your luggage well making them ostensibly useless for the compact traveler.  I recommend finding the air inflatable kind that you can adjust to the level of firmness you desire and still fold up as a slim carry-on.  If you know you will not sleep, check with your doctor if they recommend Ambien (zolpidem).  Beware because this will typically knock you out for a solid 7+ hours.

Added Bonus

Sure we want it all and want it now, but let’s get a little realistic about travel items.  Perhaps even the laptop-as-DVD-player mentioned above may fall into this “bonus” category were it not for the fact that for many of us techies it’s an extension of our body.  Let’s take a look at some first class bonus items.

• Noise canceling headphones: Anyone who has traveled first class will recognize the noise canceling headphone specially made for making you feel like an individual, alone in flight.  So why not pack your own and rid yourself of that crying baby, snoring neighbor, or simply the chatty person to your left.  There are many styles but I always check out the C-NET reviews (July 2009) prior to making a purchase.  Smaller ones are easier to travel with but also more costly.  This is a decision about how much a bonus you want to make of this item.

(Add comments and I’ll be sure to update this post with your suggestions.)

“Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It’s only after you’ve lost everything, that you’re free to do anything.”
– Tyler Durden (Fight Club)

Parents like to tell their children that bad things do not happen to good people.  When we grow up we learn this is not at all true.  In fact, people have been exploring why bad things happen to good people for centuries.  C.S. Lewis wrote an entire book on The Problem of Pain.

Only when you embrace that good/bad things are not directly related to good/bad people can you stop asking why and start planning your next steps.

In fact, bad times can be an opportunity to reinvent yourself.  When you are freed of the forces that bind you to your current path you are free to choose a new one.  Disaster can lead to despair or resurrection.  Where will it lead you?

“We must travel in the direction of our fear.”
–John Berryman

If you only knew me 15 years ago.  In high school I took a required class called “speech.”  Each student needed to stand up and give a 1 minute talk, then 2 minutes, then 5, then 10, then a 30 minute talk over the course of the semester.  If you could not fill the time with words you simply had to stand there for your allotted time.

According to the Book of Lists the fear of public speaking ranks number one in the minds of the majority of people. Far above the fear of death and disease, comes the fear of standing in front of a crowd.  I remember standing in front of the class, mortified of public speaking, and having nothing to say to fill my time.

If you had told me then that my day job would involve presenting on stage for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, I would have said you’re insane.  I remember one day realizing that I needed to round out my skills by confronting those that I feared most (and did poorly).  I applied to as many conferences as I could and eventually some accepted me (call it the law of numbers).  The first few presentations were bad, but facing my fear helped me erode it.

A few years later, I was swapping entertainment and public speaking tips with friends and could not wait to get on stage again.  Today, you can put me in front of a crowd and I’ll talk continuously until you pull me off and send me home.  I’ll talk your ear off if you listen long enough.  I confronted my fear and turned it into a profession.

When you fear something, face it head on.  Do not give in.  Do not run from it.  Travel in the direction of it.

Fearless is an interesting word, for in fact, in being fearless you are not without fear, rather you are withstanding fear. You are moving forward in spite of it. Writing a very short story requires a degree of fearlessness, and I think reading one does also. I have deep respect for the very short story for many reasons, perhaps most profoundly for its fearlessness.
–Meredith Pignon

One of the things about becoming fearless is embracing your fears and adjusting to them.  If your fear is writing then you should do it more and more until you think of it as an extension of your being.  If your new fear is getting published you need to do it more and more (even if just on your blog) so you can get over the feeling of fear associated with doing something new.

Remember buying your first house?  Remember buying your second?  Wasn’t it so much easier after you had been through the unknown once?  Easier that you had mapped out and faced those fears head on.  When it is the unknown that drives your fear, the way to overcome it is to make the unknown known.

My family and I have been going through some turmoil.  I am confident we will prevail.  I know things will get better soon and wounds will heal.  I know that “this too shall pass.”

A family member sent me an email today reminding me that whatever is happening now is not nearly the bottom.  I think of those families mourning over the loss of loved ones on 9/11 and the hard times that existed for all those who came before us.  I feel comforted by the fact that I am truly standing on the shoulders of giants.

Here is the memory (names removed or changed to protect their identity):

When things seem at their worst remember your forebears.  I’m thinking of your grandfather and great grandfather.  Your great grandfather was born in 1882 and fought in World War I.   He became very well to do running a garage in Czernowitz which changed from Austro-Hungary to Romania in his youth. The country changed and the language and government changed. From straight-laced Austria to a country where baksheesh or bribery ruled.  In 1941, when he 54, the Russians came and in two days took over all the businesses. Your great grandfather gave them the key to his shop and his home and the entire family left on two days notice with only a suitcase.

Your grandfather who was drafted into the Romanian army spent the war in an American POW camp after being wounded.  My mother did not know where he was until after the war ended.  To find him she had to walk to Linz over the Alps in the winter — crossing the border without papers from Germany to find the Red Cross headquarters that listed POWs.

When he cam back we were all on welfare from 1945 to 1952.  In Germany people on welfare have to work — his job in winter and summer was to dig up the roots of huge trees that were destroyed during the bombing of Kassel. We all lived in one room in the home of a farmer who was ordered by the town to take in one refugee family. The bathroom was an outhouse.

In 1952, my father was 39 when we came to the US — we were sponsored by a Ukrainian family.  He had to work at Domino Sugar hauling 50 – 100 bags of sugar for 40 hours a week — they told him he could not get a raise because he did not speak English.  We all lived in a two rooms with no heat or hot water — a coldwater flat.  We thought we were lucky because we had an inside bathroom for the first time and did not have to use the toilet in the hallway shared by 4 other families.

In 9 years we owned a house in Queens and he was well on his way to a BA from the local college.  He worked as a senior structural checker whose meticulously drafted plans were used for hugh earth moving machines in Chile and Arizona and everywhere huge mining complexes were build.  His disappointment in life was that he could not become a social worker and journalist — one because of the pay and the other because none of us have figured out how to write something to get published.

So remember — when you think things are tough — you come from tough people who survived war and famine; people who lost home and country and were refugees and didn’t know the language.  And they made it to the next job.